ZHX: Converted
A while back I posted a blog bemoaning the fact that Thrasher Magazine was running ads for Untitled Skateboards, a Christian skateboarding company, that I thought compromised Thrasher’s integrity. Seven months later I received a reply from, yes…an outsider. TWO replies, actually!
Harrison Greer says:
Well i think is real and u should check em out cuz he will change ur life forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God Bless,
Sk8er of Christ 4 everHarrison Greer says:
oh and by the way stop using the f-bomb
God bless,
Sk8er of Christ 4 ever
Well, he won. I’m a Christian now! Turns out all somebody had to do was ask nicely…and anonymously! I was skeptical at first, but his sincerity and conviction was apparent by the time I got the seventh exclamation point in his first comment — the real kicker here is that he went on to write eleven additional exclamation points! What a wakeup call! This guy is SO happy to live a life without intrigue, a life in which all questions have already been answered and all that is asked of him is to live in blissful ignorance until he dies and is magically whisked away to a golden palace in the clouds, that he wants EVERYBODY to join him! My previously empty and meaningless life has been filled with purpose after opening my heart up to the majesty of self-delusion! Sure, I have exactly the same problems and struggles as BEFORE I decided I was best buddies with Jesus, but now I can deal with adversity by talking to imaginary people in my head, instead of actually trying to improve my situation. It’s so liberating!
I imagine his discussion with God™ went a little something like this:
Harrison: Lord, I have sinned — I was searching the internet today for my favorite Christian skateboarding company and accidentally visited a secular blog.
God™: You fool! Do you know how dangerous it is to expose yourself to viewpoints contrary to Christian belief? Some of them make sense!
Harrison: I know…forgive me…
God™: I have NO idea why I came up with this whole ‘free will’ thing in the first place! Being omniscient, I KNEW that I would end up damning about 95% of Earth’s population to hell because of it, but I’m a very poor problem-solver. Well, you know what they say: Foresight is 20/20.
Harrison: So…do you forgive me?
God™: Of course, you idiot! I KNEW you were going to find the site! Did you forget that everything happens for a reason?
Harrison: So…I actually don’t have free will?
God™: Don’t get all philosophical and shit on me. In a very roundabout and cryptic way, I sent you there because I need Bill to help our side out when the armies of hell march on the gates of heaven. You NEED to make him believe in my kid. He doesn’t know it, but I gave him several talents that, while totally useless on Earth, will help us to defeat Satan’s hordes.
Harrison: Can’t you just reveal yourself to him? To leave no doubt? Why do you need me to b…
God™: WOW. You just don’t get it, do you? You gotta keep this shit vague. If there was no reason NOT to believe in me, it wouldn’t be faith, now would it?
Harrison: But then everybody would get to go to heaven…
God™: LOOK, who’s GOD here? I’m running the show, got it?
Harrison: Sorry…
God™: Plus, I’m afraid he won’t think me and Jesus are “cool”. I need another skateboarder to pass this message on for me, you know, to appeal to his x-treme side. I tried it by starting Untitled Skateboards and putting it in his favorite skateboarding magazine, but he laughed at it. I try so hard, but no matter what I do it seems that everything related to Christianity turns out really lame…I have to get through to this kid!
Harrison: Okay, I’m replying to his post now. I hope this works…
God™: It won’t. He reads and shit. You need to use…sixteen exclamation points. Then it will be appropriately vaguely apparent that you are serious.
Harrison: God, forgive me for questioning your judgment, but sixt…
God™: Silence!!! Sixteen exclamation points!!! No more. No less.
Harrison: Okay… all done.
God™: Oh, and tell him I bless him. I’d tell him myself but I’m really busy holding every atom in the universe together.
Harrison: Alright, I posted it.
God™: Oh oh oh and tell him to stop saying the “F” word. It bugs the shit out of me.
Harrison: Okay…
God™: You know what? I bless him again, too. Put that in again.
Harrison: Anything else?
God™: Not at all. See you when you’re dead.
Harrison: Alright!!!
God™: I don’t want to spoil anything but…we have foosball tables up here, you know. It’s pretty sweet.
Harrison: I can’t wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks, God! Thanks, Jesus! Thanks, Harrison! See you at the foosball tables! I can’t wait to die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9 Responses to “ZHX: Converted”
dude foosball sucks i thought god knew that
the worst part is that harrison is still christian because he hasn’t met any atheists more convincing than him
Atheists don’t have divine permission to use that many exclamation points.
Actually, I was gonna mention the F-word thing, but Harrison beat me to it. That motherfucker, if I ever meet him, I’m gonna fuck stomp his butt.
So, I just got done having about an hour long discussion with Elder Brady and Elder Ross in my living room, and they said they had never heard questions about God quite like the ones I had. Elder Brady also confided that he has watched the “Evil Dead” movies and has heard a few Bad Religion songs. They’ll be back next Friday and I plan on watching Evil Dead with them and listening to Bad Religion.
You speak in riddles.
Do you believe in witches now? Is that some sort of side effect?
People believe in some crazy shit, but that witch thing left me dumbfounded…
not quite enough exclamation points to change my mind. and what’s this Chris, you actually invite those types into your home? Be careful or slowly and insiduously they will turn you to the god side, especially if they start talking in exclamation points!!!
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