Hey, Here’s an Idea
by zhx
How about keeping scripted telephone greetings to about a 15 syllable maximum? Nine times out of ten when calling a business you have a very specific request that could most likely be taken care of in a 10 second phone call, but you have to sit through a 30 second combination greeting/sales pitch.
You: *Calls business*
Employee: Thank you for calling Domino’s Pizza, where we’ve brought back our thirty minute delivery rule, but not really. This is Kevin speaking, be sure to ask me about our seven-seven-seven deal, three medium pizzas with unlimited toppings for only $7 each, how can I help you?
You: Yeah, I just wanted to know how late you’re fucking open tonight.
And of course, this kid has already said this exact same thing 1500 times today, so by the time you’ve called he’s so sick of repeating it that he’s spitting it out two, three words at a time. Both parties just want to get it over with. What the hell is wrong with “Domino’s Pizza, how can I help you?” or at the VERY most (even though I really don’t care who I’m talking to), “Domino’s Pizza, Kevin speaking. How can I help you?” Or you know what? It’s a fucking business. I think it’s understood that they’re going to help you in some way; a simple “Domino’s Pizza” would suffice, just so I know I called the right place.
Delivery places are pretty bad about it but retail, specifically video game, stores are the absolute worst.
You: *Calls game store*
Employee: Thank you for calling Game Shack, your XBox 360, Playstation 3, PSP, Wii and Nintendo DS headquarters, where you can trade in your unwanted games for the hottest new titles including but not limited to Devil May Cry 4, Sins of a Solar Empire and God of War: Olympus. Place your preorder for Super Smash Bros. Brawl TODAY and get a free subscription to some substandard gaming magazine that nobody would actually pay for. This is Kevin Aluicious Xavier III speaking, how can I help you?
You: Oh, whoops. I was trying to call Domino’s. Sorry.
I’m not totally sure what they expect to happen. “XBox 360, Playstation 3, PSP, Wii and Nintendo DS headquarters?! I’ll take one of each!!!” or “Oh, I was just calling to see how late you were open, but since you mentioned it I DO have 200 old games that I would like to sell for $3 a piece, which you can then sell at a 1000% markup.”
I’m pretty sure if we completely did away with this bullshit that the loss of whatever money this “formality” brings in would be offset by increased productivity of employees, since they’re spending an average of 15 minutes less time on the phone per shift. Where’s my business degree?
“bonjourno, thank you for calling botticelli restaurante italiano. this is ryan how may i help you?”
yeah.
(tried to spell phnetically.)
Man, that place was so authentic they answered the phone “Buongiorno.” I think they even served pasta.
Oh hell, don’t even get me started on this shit. At Game Crazy it was the standard “State the store location, name, game you can pre-order, my name, how can I help you?” which I thought was bad until I reached my next job in the dress department at Macy’s:
“Thank you for calling the Alderwood Macy’s Dresses and suits department. This is Emily, how may I provide you with outstanding service today?”
No, I am not even fucking kidding you. We had to use the word “outstanding” in every phone greeting. Now, the thing about long greetings is that most people have learned to tune them out entirely. This means that they generally wait for the silence on your end before asking a question, which often times was answered in the greeting.
“Thank you for calling the Woodinville Game Crazy where you can pre-order Halo 2. This is Emily, how can I help you?”
“… Yeah, are you guys taking pre-orders for Halo 2?”
There were many cases in which I had to bite my tongue and simply say “yes we are!” and refrain from just repeating my opening or responding with “Nah, we actually like to answer the phone that way just to fuck with you.”
I really don’t miss retail.
my favorite is
me-”hello”
caller-”hello yeah is this wyoming glass?”
me-”oh yeah how can i help you”
caller-”i need a price on a windshield”
me-”okay one second let me get someone that can help you”
i really like answering the phone at my work
I like
me – “Wyoming Glass”
caller – “I need a price on a windshield”
me – “Let me get you Justin Stevens”
Haha
Haha Bill. You and your rants, ahem, observation. Keep ‘em coming.
“Observations” not “observation” in previous comment.